Hi Jenn

My wife and I have a good normal life and have done for many years but I recently started letting her sleep with a friend of hers just for a bit of extra fun. She sees him every couple of weeks or so and it has not had any negative impact on our relationship or family life at all, and I’m just really happy knowing she has the pleasure of having her cake and eating it if that makes sense… But there’s that feeling in the back of my mind that maybe this arrangement is a bit of a dangerous idea? What do you think about this kind of thing?

Would love to hear the opinion of a sexpert.

Many thanks!


Hi there,

Thanks for the question!

First, I’m going to assume that by dangerous, you mean that there’s a risk of her developing an emotional attachment with her lover that might weaken your marriage.

And, to be brutally honest, that is a possibility.

But it’s also possible that this remains a little bit of fun on the side.

So, how do you make sure that it doesn’t impact your relationship?

The first thing you have to understand is that there are no guarantees. You can never cheat-proof a relationship; you can never stop someone else from falling in love, even if they are your partner; there is no guarantee that you will grow old together.

What you can do is work to keep a strong bond that will help you two stay solid and honest with each other. The fact that you are happy for her is an awesome sign!

These kinds of relationships can absolutely work, but they aren’t always easy.

You didn’t say what kind of conversations you had when the two of you decided to let her have some extra fun. Did you set limits of how much time they can spend together? Are there any sexual acts that would feel like a betrayal to you? Are they allowed to hang out socially alone together, or is this strictly sex? Have you discussed what happens if you start to feel threatened or uncomfortable? Will she stop seeing him? Do you have any desire to also find a partner outside of the marriage?

If you haven’t had those conversations already, you should. Talk out all the scenarios, including the worst case–she falls in love with him.

The second question I have for you is why did the two of you start on this path? All too often, I’ve seen people with weak/floundering marriages open up in hopes that allowing new freedoms and help them get out of a sexual rut and reconnect. In my experience, that can be very tricky. If two people aren’t solid, allowing a third in usually won’t fix things.

But if you are truly solid (and it sounds like you are?)  a third person can offer a bit of space and freedom that can help keep things interesting.

Continue to communicate—OVER communicate. Both of you should be sharing your thoughts and feelings about this on a regular basis.

Also keep doing things that strengthen you as a couple, be it a hobby, date night, cooking together, whatever. Things that are NOT kid related. (Not sure if you have kids.)

TLDR: It’s only dangerous if you were using it as a fix to an existing problem in the marriage and if you stop communicating and relating as a couple.

Good luck and keep me posted on how it all goes!