I can imagine the side eye you’re giving me right now. I get it a lot when I encourage people to go to a swinger’s event.

So right off the top, let me clear up the biggest misconceptions:

YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH STRANGERS. YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE SEX AT ALL.

In fact, plenty of first timers don’t have sex. There are also couples who attend that never have sex at the event.

So why go, if it’s not about having sex?

My experiences at swingers clubs and events have allowed me to witness some of the most healthy and positive sexual expression I have ever been privileged to watch.

Our society has a horrifically unhealthy obsession with sex. It’s everywhere, used to sell everything from cars to burgers, and yet, the sexuality we see is extremely narrow: usually fit, white, good looking heterosexual people having fairly standard sex. Female orgasm is often a result of penis-in-vagina sex: which doesn’t mirror the real life experiences of many women. Couples also often orgasm together—which takes some practice and communication often not seen in mass media.

And, most importantly, consent is evident. You will see people asking to join, people being invited to join, people declining invitations. You will also see true affection, not just people performance fucking.

Seeing real people with real bodies and loving partners give and receive pleasure can be a revelation. People of all ages and body shapes—that might look like your own—expressing their authentic sexuality is a beautiful sight.

The people are incredibly welcoming. They want you to feel safe and comfortable. They want you to have a good time, in whatever way that works for you. They won’t shame you for choosing to not participate. They might invite you to join, but will take your no without demanding an explanation.

So do a google search in your area. If you live near a medium to large city, chances are there will be a swingers club or events.

Make a date to go once. Agree ahead of time that you will not play (swinger speak for have sex) this first time. Go soak up the atmosphere, chat up other people, see if anything gets you hot and bothered.

Then go home, and fuck the shit out of your partner.

The novelty of the experience will do you good. I promise.