Ask Jenn – July 22, 2020

Jenn!!! How the heck are you?? Hope you’re surviving this crazy world we live in.
I have a question. You’re the only person I know I can ask. I feel so clueless. Dom/sub relationships. What are they? Why do they exist? Is there a deeper meaning that I don’t understand? I’ve been reading about it but I’m not sure I’m fully understanding it fully. Isn’t it about sex? Is it not role play? I don’t even know. I was hoping you could simplify this for me in a language I can understand.

Thanks!

Hi!
OK, let’s get into this!

Dom/sub relationships—what are they and why do they exist?

There is a wide spectrum of dom/sub relationships. On one end, you have people who play with power dynamics in the bedroom only. It doesn’t spill over into any other aspects of their lives. On the other end, you have people who engage in TPE—total power exchange—24/7. In and out of the bedroom. In a TPE relationship, the dom can control every element of the sub’s life.

Here is a good place to state that there is a clear and distinct difference between a dom/sub relationship and an abusive one. In a d/s relationship, both parties have agreed to the parameters and boundaries. These can be adjusted and renegotiated at any time, by either party. All action is consensual—even though to a random bystander it might look intense or punitive, both parties have agreed and are enjoying themselves. In an abusive relationship, one person has no power, has no say in the rules, and is punished harshly, unfairly, and inconsistently, forcing them to walk on eggshells.

Back to the consensual dom/sub relationships. People simply find it freeing. Both from the dom and sub perspective. There is someone there that you have a responsibility to/for. You’ve both agreed to have a relationship that is more demanding and intense than the average person’s. It takes priority. So for a lot of people, there is an immense freedom in that.

And I think that’s where the notion of a “deeper meaning” comes from. But I also think that language is somewhat pretentious. You want to think your relationship has a deeper meaning than the people next door? Mkay. But does it really? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe d/s relationships do confer a different style of relating to each other, but that doesn’t make it automatically across the board superior. It’s not.

Isn’t it about sex?
Yes. I’d say most of the time for most people, there is an erotic or sexual. People generally don’t get into d/s or BDSM relationships if there wasn’t something about it that got them off. That said, there are people who are more interested in power and control that the sex part. That dynamic is more exciting that the orgasm, but there is still an element of sexual excitement.

TLDR: For some people it’s all about the sex. For some people, isn’t not about the sex but the control and power. I find it a stretch to say it isn’t about sex at all, but there are of course people who make that statement and who am I to tell them otherwise?

If you are considering a d/s relationship, sit down and talk out what you both want and need and what your boundaries are. Both parties have equal say, commitment, and responsibility. RUN LIKE HELL from any dominant who tries to tell you they set the rules and the submissive has to agree to whatever they say. That is abuse. With the abuser hiding under the guise of d/s and kink. Unacceptable.